It takes a me a minute to get the key into the door. I have to time it, as my hands shake. Once it's in there, I can get the lock turned, fine, its just that I have shaky hands.
The passenger seat is soft enough that I can set my package on it without worrying too much about how I do it. I can close the door just fine and strap myself in ok. That's just grabbing and I grab pretty good. She always said I was a taker sometimes, when she was mad. That was a lot. Damn. And it takes me a minute to get my key into the ignition, on account of my shaky hands.
I start the car up. I can do the windows ok. I like to drive with the window down and my arm out. We used to fight about that. She liked it up so she could talk, but I was never one for talking. I was never really good at it. I had a shaky voice I guess, to go with my shaky hands.
I fumble for a minute and get myself squared away with the GPS. It bleeps at me and tells where to go. I go. There's an arrow, and I follow it, and I grab the steering wheel just enough so that I can drive it straight and true, and not give away my shaky hands.
I wonder off for a minute, maybe longer. I remember how we once went on a boat ride together and joked about how we'd dress up in whale suits and go humaning. I remember looking at her over pizza and thinking how beautiful she was with her hair hanging long. Liked the long hair, always magical when she let it down and moved it, like giving me a secret. I remember kissing her in a pub and walking back to my place in the winter with our hands in each other's pockets. Remembered how immaculate her place was and how good she felt when I first held her, and I'll never forget what she said. Remembered her steel eyes, used to call her Winter, and she was. Then I remember that I had to pay attention when I'm driving and be careful because I'm getting shaky hands!
I slam on the brakes and almost hit the car in front of me. The GPS is screaming a bunch of directions at me randomly as I'd passed my turn. Boy, she would be giving it to me for that. "Listening to the same song over and over again and not talking to me and not even paying attention to where you are going." Someone whips their car out around me and flashes their headlights and gives me the finger. I don't know what I did but I'd almost give it back, but then I'd be giving a shaky middle finger on account of my shaky hands.
Futile. I'm an old man anyway, a stupid old man with stupid shaky hands.
I bear down a bit and focus best I can and finally I can get to where I'm supposed to be going.
I park the car and get the flowers off of the passenger seat and walk out across the parking lot and across the grass and then I find it and I stop. It just can't be real, to see her name on the stone, but it is. I say "hey, I made it driving someplace without you... and I um, got you some flowers", and that's about it. She's better off where she's at now, for sure. So I set the flowers down across where she rests, held my face in my shaky hands and then I cried a bit.
Then I walked away, back to the car, with my shaky hands in my pockets so no one would see.